Our 1st Miscarriage
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage
Yet the world, and even myself have been scared to talk about it to until now.
My husband and I want at least 3-4 kids, and after we had our first perfect little Jackson we couldn't wait to have another. At the time that I found out I was pregnant again Jax was less than a year so I was still breastfeeding. Since I was breastfeeding, I wasn't menstruating (that won't happen for everyone who is breastfeeding), making it difficult to plan when to try to get pregnant. When I found out that I was pregnant with my second pregnancy I was beyond delighted...but I also knew something was wrong.
I "felt" pregnant. Yes, sometimes that is a thing when you feel your body changing from the hormones so you know that something is going on. But I was also spotting, which made me worry, I tried to tell myself it must just be implantation bleeding. I took a pregnancy test and that confirmed that I was pregnant.
I went in to see the OB immediately because of the bleeding, but I was hoping that I was just being overly cautious. They confirmed I was 4-6 weeks pregnant. Throughout the next month or so I would go in every week to get my blood drawn and to have multiple trans-vaginal ultrasounds done. The blood tests were to test my hormones and see whether they were trending up or down and the ultrasounds were to see what was going on inside of me. If your HCG trends down that means something is wrong with the pregnancy. Well, mine started trending down and nothing was appearing on the ultrasounds. This is when the doctor explained to me the 3 different things that may have been happening. I could be having an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, or a molar pregnancy-all of which were not positive outcomes.
I started to mentally prepare for the worst and tried to shut my emotions out.
I started to mentally prepare for the worst and tried to shut my emotions out.
I thought, why me?
How could my first pregnancy have gone well and now this?
I asked myself what I did wrong within those first 5 weeks to make this happen?
I mentally started to convince myself that I shouldn't be ungrateful because I was luckier than most moms to already have my first son. I tried to convince myself that it was such an early pregnancy loss that I shouldn't be attached to the idea of a baby yet. But most women know that as soon as you see those two pink lines you start to feel an attachment and think of all the wonderful future things that are to come with this new baby.
At first I did not fully accept what was happening.
How could my first pregnancy have gone well and now this?
I asked myself what I did wrong within those first 5 weeks to make this happen?
I mentally started to convince myself that I shouldn't be ungrateful because I was luckier than most moms to already have my first son. I tried to convince myself that it was such an early pregnancy loss that I shouldn't be attached to the idea of a baby yet. But most women know that as soon as you see those two pink lines you start to feel an attachment and think of all the wonderful future things that are to come with this new baby.
At first I did not fully accept what was happening.
For the next week I was constantly laying in bed with horrible cramps or sitting in the shower to keep everything around me clean. No one really tells you that it is more painful and way more blood than a regular period. I thought that maybe since it was so early in the pregnancy that there would be less. I knew I must be miscarrying with that much blood. The next week after my final HCG test, the doctor confirmed I had a chemical pregnancy and lost the pregnancy.
After that only my immediate family knew what had happened.
I felt ashamed.
There was no fixing what had happened, there was no going back. And my body didn't know whether I was pregnant or not so the back and forth swing of hormones raged through my body.
All this was happening and my husband and I knew he would still be leaving in the next month or so for a 4 month long deployment. Safe to say we were stressed.
But after my miscarriage, my husband and son helped me on the road to recovery as much as they could. I cuddled with my son every night and thanked God for giving him to me. My husband held me and was there for me when I cried and asked him why this had to happen to me.
I felt ashamed.
There was no fixing what had happened, there was no going back. And my body didn't know whether I was pregnant or not so the back and forth swing of hormones raged through my body.
All this was happening and my husband and I knew he would still be leaving in the next month or so for a 4 month long deployment. Safe to say we were stressed.
But after my miscarriage, my husband and son helped me on the road to recovery as much as they could. I cuddled with my son every night and thanked God for giving him to me. My husband held me and was there for me when I cried and asked him why this had to happen to me.
It has been a long process to recovery, even with such an early pregnancy loss, and I still get sad about it from time to time. Going through a loss or a miscarriage is something that the world needs to be more open about. Being more open makes it easier to go through the grieving process. The world tells us to wait 12 weeks before announcing we are pregnant, but what about all the Mommas out there who have lost their own babies before 12 weeks and are all alone going through this?
I am thankful for my family being there for me. Without them I would not have gotten through it.
I am thankful for my family being there for me. Without them I would not have gotten through it.
Such a valid point, I really hadn't considered all those who don't make it to the "12 week" mark. That certainly doesn't make the pregnancy less valid.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for sharing your story!
Thank you! When I was miscarrying stories like this helped me out. Just trying to help any mom out there who might need help to get through hard times!
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